The Art of Resume Writing

By Andrew J. Koshner

In a time when resume guides, software templates, professional writers, and job search web sites pervade the job market, there is really no excuse for a sloppy resume or cover letter. In truth, the overall quality of the presentation most job seekers make has greatly improved. Over the past several years, my business, JurisTemps, has been fortunate to attract many well qualified candidates. Some, though, lack the necessary polish to "make it" even in our booming economic times. These candidates provide the fodder for some of the most humorous interludes of a very fast paced and hectic business. What follows are actual quotations taken from resumes and cover letters written to us by applicants seeking employment in the legal field (all names and specific references have been change to insure anonymity).

1. "I am applying for the position advertised in the media. My diverse talents and realistic career goals match your requirements for the advertised position. My enclosed resume listing my excellent work experiences, outstanding academic degrees, successful small-press publications, and famous awards provide a general picture of my brilliant qualifications. If requested, my outstanding letters of reference are enclosed for your complete review of my legendary credentials." This "legendary" candidate worked as an accounting clerk for six months in 1980. Since then, he has been in school and working part-time for a little known publishing house in a very small town in the Midwest. He does know how to use a Thesaurus, though.

2. From a resume: "OBJECTIVITY: A challenging opportunity in Paralegal that allows continuous learning and advancement, while contributing to the companies (sic) goals and success." His spelling may be lacking, but he can be counted on to always be completely objective.

3. "The reason I am applying for a legal secretary is because I plan on working for the UN as an international lawyer or becoming a Foreign Service Officer. It was recommended that I begin to work on my skills and knowledge of the legal and internatioal (sic) fields ... many of my best friends are lawyers or studing (sic) to become lawyers." That's as good a reason as any to start a legal career.

4. "I hope that you will find interest in my resume and that I can come to now only to work for you, but to better your entire firm my contributing my part to the firm as a whole." From a cover letter.

5. Jim filled out our on-line application form and sent it to us 21 times. Under the heading "Type of Job Sought," he wrote, "Janitorial Service," and in the space for comments he wrote, "Changing Cities Need a job, help!" I was afraid to ask why he needed to change cities so urgently.

6. A candidate currently enrolled in a paralegal program in Nova Scotia thought she would get a jump on her job search by filling out our on-line application and attaching her resume. Under experience, she indicated working for "Sum Good Fisheries" where she "Raked Irish Moss off of Seal Island" and "Handled Mackerel." If she can rake Irish moss and handle mackerel, then she can certainly handle attorneys.

7. This applicant was seeking a position as a receptionist in a law firm. Under experience, she indicated working as a waitress at Simon B's. The job description, in its entirety, read "Learned to deal with unhappy customers and helped to make them satisfied."

8. "As you can certainly see form (sic) the enclosed profile, I have relevant work experience that I will bring along with me." I wonder how large her briefcase is. This candidate was so proficient with her computer software that she typed her signature in script, rather than put pen to paper.

9. One of my personal favorites: "I am inquiring about future employment. As you can tell by the return address, I am in prison. I am quite familiar with the criminal justice system and I am starting my job search early because of the obvious handicap." On his resume he begins with several bullet points that highlight his qualifications. "Familiar with Missouri Criminal Law and Procedure." "Acquainted with post conviction remedies and procedures." Talk about seeing a glass half full!

10. With the internet becoming a larger aspect of our business and a standard means of communication, we often e-mail our employees and clients. This e-mail was received from a complete stranger last March. "I own a comic book and video store and I'm trying to find out if renting adult videos (only videos nothing else no toys or no mags or no shows, etc) is legal."

11. "I feel that I am well qualified for this position and can really make a difference at your company. My salary requirements are reasonable." (emphasis original) Do you think someone has told her otherwise?

12. From a resume under the heading "Auxiliary Skills": "Part-time experience in various occupations."

13. This one from a new graduate seeking a position in a law firm before making the decision to go to law school. Under his job description working as a cashier for a large grocery chain, we found the following: "Mastered the ability to do more than one thing at a time."

14. "I must explain that even though I do have a direct figure in mind regarding salary expectations, I am negotitable (sic) in this area to some extent. I feel that I would like something between $20,000 to $25,000 to start. I have had job offers from Chicago offering $25,000+. However, I prefer to live and work here in St. Louis. I do not wish to take any job offers from Chicago." Ah Chicago, not her kind of town.

15. One of the most interesting jobs we found was this: "Entrance/Exit Proctor" at a university cafeteria where she "greeted students and assisted them as they entered/exited the cafeteria."

16. On a resume under the heading "Skills": "Interpersonal relations - I am very friendly and love to learn new things about people. I have spoken several times in church to a congregation of over 300. I always try to be polite to people. Honesty is one of my greatest attributes and I am always trying to improve myself. I also respond well to constructional (sic) criticism."

17. From an attorney employed by an amusement park: "Supervised the operation of more than 25 thrill rides and roller coasters with the safest and most efficient record in the corporation." So why is he looking for a new job?

18. "OBJECTIVE: Utilize skills as a receptionist in the areas of receptionist responsibilities." No doubt about what she wants to do.

19. From a resume under the heading "Summary": "I am eager to work for a company that will show me what their company is about." Work history included a job as a "Sandwich Artist" and "Customer Service Representative" at a gas station. The description of the gas station job read as follows: "The main objective each day was to insure each customer has a consistently outstanding retail experience." Isn't that everyone's goal when they pull into a gas station?

20. "I know how to look up law in the law libraries." What do you think he does with it once he looks it up?

21. In application for a job as a legal assistant from a recent college graduate with a degree in music. "I have always loved the justice system in this country and would be delighted to become a small part of it. It would also help me feel better about myself." This is 1999 not 1969.

22. From another recent graduate who worked as an intern for brokerage firm: "I helped review large company purchases by checking for legality. I also assisted executives with important misc. tasks."

23. "Qualified by: Thirteen years as a Transportation Counselor, being able to communicate with others effectively, both orally and in writing. Analyzing problems and applying sound judgements, assessing the practical implications or solutions or alternate solutions." Huh!

24. "Personal: I am single, with no children that would keep me from missing my job or being late." And maybe he should keep it that way.

25. I love this one. "I am an experienced attorney who gave up a sole practice to write a novel. I am now looking to return to practice." Still waiting for that call from the Pulitzer committee.

26. "Attached is a copy of my most current resume. I regret that it is not as darkly printed as I would like for it to be, but -at the time of the printing- the computer was not in the best functional order." Let's hope she is.

27. From a resume submitted by a recent law school graduate: "1967 - 75: Miscellaneous jobs in the Midwest and East: factory worker, house painter, toxic waste management, cartoonist, illustrator, bill collector, and loan officer." Why would he leave all that to go to law school?

28. From another recent law school graduate who worked at a toy store during one winter break: "It was my sole charge to apply the price stickers." Impressive! I'm sure he will make a fine attorney.

29. From a cover letter: "My oral and writing skills are head-and-shoulders above my associates. So to are my sales and political skills. I work well on a team or as an unsupervised individual. During the previous six months these skills were tested with great success." He then proceeded to list four cases in an attempt to demonstrate his skill. One reads as follows: "A Quick Trip gasoline station will need more pumps due to an expanding residential base. They believe that limited land availability would stall their sales potential. After a quick study of the situation, I suggested building pumps in the rear of the station. The General Manger said he had thought of doing that but gave up on the idea because the cashiers could not see the pumps in the rear and believed some customers would drive away without paying. After a short pause, I suggested that he put in 'Credit Card Only' pumps. The GM looked startled, put a huge grin on his face, and said, 'You know, that would solve my problem. Thanks." Can you beat that?

30. This resume was submitted by a local paralegal program for a recent graduate. "I am looking for a job along the lines of a receptionist or secretary in a law firm. A job that will enhance my skills and benefit from what I am learning." I'm sure whatever job this candidate lands will greatly benefit from the education received from this program.

31. On a resume for a paralegal position, this candidate's most recent job was working as a teacher in a preschool. There are two bullet points under the job heading "Teacher."
" - Taught children ages 3 to 12 years" (In a Preschool?)
" - Did the summer camp" (We suggested that when the resume is rewritten, perhaps a little more description might be in order.)

32. "My attached work history is current with exception of my present job. At this time, I am working for Campus Security as a Security Officer. Duties there are comparable to campus security at a typical college or university." This candidate then included a seven-page resume, including both civilian and military job histories. But he didn't stop there. Also included were 17 pages of articles and newspaper clippings, along with this note: "I have attached copies of numerous articles I have written over the years. I hope you will find them interesting, but I would especially like to have your opinion on them." This is one security guard with way too much time on his hands.